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Making Columbus Great Again

By Darrell Roberts

Today the debate rages.  Is it Indigenous Peoples’ day? Or is it still Columbus day?

Honestly?  Who gives a shit?

However, let’s entertain the idea.  What’s the point of celebrating Columbus day?  Some might say to commemorate the discovery of America.  However, Columbus did not discover America.   Only in America could a fella be praised for being a f*ck-up.

Columbus was trying to discover a new way to Japan–and ended up in the Canary Islands, the Bahamas, Cuba, then turned back and meandered around some more before heading home.  In other words, Columbus got lost and instead of admitting it, he just enjoyed a vacation–then made up some shit about “discovering” new worlds. This “discovery” is despite these lands already having people on them.   In other words, Columbus was a 1492 version of Donald Trump.  Maybe he was looking for that “real” birth certificate then too?

Imagine (it’s not hard, believe me) that upon his return, ColumbusTrump instead of saying, “I got lost” or that he went on vacation, he would gleefully exclaim, “Nobody knew this place ever existed–before me.  Nobody knew it was there.”  Then, he would likely continue to brag, “When you’re an explorer–they just let you…grab ’em by the pussy…do whatever.”  Then, he would finish it up by declaring, “The place had so much gold, gold everywhere–lots of beautiful gold.”

Then, the religious nutjobs would fall in love with ColumbusTrump, demand for him to go back.   They would encourage ColumbusTrump to exert their “religious freedom” all on those that were apparently oppressing them (despite never having met them–that’s just how they roll, man).

Here’s some advice–those not bothered by the actions of Columbus should not be quick to defend the man.  However, my experience suggests those defenders do not know much about the true nature of Columbus nor his criminal deeds.  Ignorance is fine, but cocky ignorance is not.  Instead of defending everything–why not listen to those that are bothered by the tyrannical antics of Columbus?  Is that too hard?  Call the day whatever you like–but there is no point in being a mean-spirited dick about it.

These words will fall upon deaf ears, that is fine–but at least there was joy in talking sh*t about the ol’ pussy grabber.

That’s the iconoclastic word.

1 thought on “Making Columbus Great Again

  1. Columbus Trump!!! I love it DR!! The comparison! It’s great! Good job! Bravo.

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